My meatball ate all my ketchup...

Family poured into our grandparents farm this time last week. The farm has always been my safe haven. The only consistent place in my life. Despite any move from one town to the next, the farm has never changed. I've always known that I could escape there with my best friend and cousin Rebekah. We would spend hours on the phone talking about literally nothing and laughing about the most ridiculous things. We were exactly what the other person needed at that time. Someone to lean on, be real with, and relax with! We didn't have to worry about entertaining each other, we could just be ourselves. And now..she is getting married! I may need a kleenex. When we were younger, she tossed and turned during the night at our grandparents farm in the country, giggling at the dreams and thoughts of one day getting married. All in all she knew it would be her special day, one given to her by the Father. And she went to sleep peacefully, resting in His plans for her. I am so super excited for my sweet cousin Rebekah. I cherish those moments of dreaming and giggling with you. 

 I have about twenty cousins on one side of my family. It's fabulous. They are truly a blessing. I enjoy every moment given to me,with each one of them. Whether they know it or not! Many of you have heard of me speak of my Uncle. His name is Johnny Spicer. As kids, we had an instant connection with him because he actually wanted to spend time with us. He played silly hide and go seek games, told ridiculous jokes that made our bellies ache from belly laughing so much, and he always knew the right thing to say when we were hurt. We all admired him. Growing older did not stop this bond we held with each other. It only grew stronger. And what holds us together so tightly is our mutual love for the people of Africa. When starting our non-profit, he was with me from the beginning. We spent hours emailing, brainstorming, and contacting the right people. Here I am, a little fourteen year old girl giving him a call on a Thursday night, giddy with excitement from the ideas formulating in my head. He only gave me encouragement and all the help I could of asked for. But the best thing was, I didn't even have to ask! 

This summer, my Uncle Johnny was diagnosed with cancer. Obviously cancer is about the last thing you want to hear behind a loved one's name. Time becomes precious. Every moment is a gift not a privilege.  Radiation was a daily routine for him, and a part of our everyday conversation. I remember sitting in my sister Ellie's school, motionless. I could only think of his sweet kids and my beautiful Aunt. Despite our growing fears, we knew God was in control and faithful. And we would praise Him regardless of the outcome.  Thinking of them without a father and husband was literally an unbearable thought. Those kids have always had a little piece of me. I adore Josiah's intellect and passion about anything to do with sports.

Silas's laughter and assumption that the word cute only applies to girls.

Trinity's bouncy beautiful locks and jokes that begin with the words, "Curious George" and "potty" followed by some sort of a squeal.

And beautiful baby Anna's precious big blue eyes with her lovely mother. 

Cancer is not the end of the world. But the start of a roller coaster. So we all held on for the ride. At the end of the October we found out that he cancer was GONE. YAYAYA! We trust in the plans of our God. For him, this year has been a life changing one. And for me as well. 

"The heart of a man plans his way, but Yahweh establishes his steps." 

Proverbs 16:9

Faithful

Frustration.
I guess that is the best word to describe my mood at the moment. (I'm a girl, that can change rather quickly) I sit in bed questioning a lot of things. My eyes wide open while my brain is spinning. Doubts that I have oozed back into my thoughts. Doubts that entitle many things.

 Future. Friends. Family. Faith. Fears. And each is much broader than just the dictionary definition.
I have so many insecurities. Ones that most of you would be shocked hearing.
"If you don't go with me through thick and thin, you don't deserve me. If your first concern is to look at yourself, you'll never find yourself. But if you forget about yourself and look to me, you'll find both yourself and me." Matthew 10:38-39

I will continue to hold on to that. Even when I don't want too. Even when I just want to forget everything and long for a chance to start all over again. I wait with patience and a heavy heart. For lots of answers to questions I can barely ask.

All I know is that He is faithful. And will deliver me despite my growing fears. For He is good, when there's nothing good in me.  

Chanley 

Rain drops keep falling on my head!

These are the kind of days that I love to sit back, take a big deep breath, a sigh of relief, and then go outside and run. Run as fast as I possibly can. I'll admit, I'm not coordinated. Or fast for that matter.

Who I am kidding. I am probably the most uncoordinated, can't kick a ball hard enough to save her life, shoot at the other teams basket, kind of individual. I can't help it. It's just how I am wired. BUT I love to run. Especially when the air smells like rain, tingling my skin with tiny cool raindrops. Ipod on. And the world has faded into the background. It's just me.

Today was a great day. It was the first day since I got home from Africa that I could actually breath. It's been well over a month since I've gotten back but it feels like yesterday, and a year ago all at the same time. Life has been so fast paced that I haven't had time to just sit down and gather my thoughts together. Stories have been endless, I've told them over and over again. One of my best friends, could attest to that, receiving random messages at four in the morning telling him about people that are SO real to me. People I ache for. And little girls that I loved holding in my arms. He knows first hand the stories of the people that kept me up at night.  I want so badly for others to see that the stories I tell are not just filled with impassioned words, these people are REAL.  He wrote a letter containing some of the best advice I could of had at the moment...

Over the course of the next couple weeks, you will be able to see first-hand the fruits of your labor, and the girls you have aided will be right there with you for you to hug and laugh with and incessantly smile at. Enjoy every moment. Your trip will give you an even deep insight into the world of Africa, and one of the most defining points of your life may well come during your stay. It will be a time to dwell on the beauty of the moment while, at the same time, deciding where you want to see yourself in the future. I have full faith in you. 

It was exactly what I needed, when I needed it. Odd how that happens? As I was reading I pictured my sweet girls. Only to remember to dwell on the beauty of that moment. AND LAUGH. That's not hard for me. :) I wish he could have been there to see those words in affect. He had no idea that in that moment I would think of that advice, look into the eyes of my sweet Ruth and squeeze her as hard as I could. Knowing that the moment I had been given was a little gift. Perfect. Those tiny moments that come few and far between.

So if you ever read this, thank you.

You Hold Me Now

Today has been somewhat challenging to say the least. That thought of "school is a blessing" became slightly harder to digest and keep in mind. Who am I kidding, I can't be an optimist ALL the time. (But it is a blessing hehe) God's faithfulness never ceases to amaze me. Even despite my constant worrying and inevitable stress, he gently whispers to me sweet assurances of His unfailing love.

I enjoy entertaining myself in thinking that I have it all together. And then in the middle of that thought my world gets turned upside down. Rightfully so. Life is full of decisions, ones that will grow you, guide you, and mold certain aspects of your future. I am eighteen, and a senior in high school. My life is dominated by decisions. Or so it feels like. I let those decisions dictate who I will become. Letting all of that pressure overcome my emotions. I need an awakening.

Humbled. Those decisions are important, yes. But not life. And they were never intended to be my life. As most teenagers do, I tend to have tunnel vision. Seeing only what is in the "now." Pulling back from that has been a huge blessing. Because as soon as I do, I see him. 

His life is precious. 

More valuable than words. 

Full of love. And joy. 

You give him hope. 

And Father you hold him now. 

You guide his path. 

But do not guarantee tomorrow.

You are with him in his tears. 

He is the heart of the Father. 

An orphan. 

And then...I remember why I'm alive. For him. To serve the orphan and the widow. Then suddenly all of those decisions fall into place. Worry and anxiety creep away leaving me only with desperation and passion. I can't do this by myself. I don't know why I even try. But because of His faithfulness, Messiah gently reminds me, in the middle of all those decisions that I am not in control. Never have been. And never will be. All I can do is close my eyes, hold my breath, and jump. While in the process think of the orphan, with no mom or dad to tuck him in at night, to wipe away his tears, and pray with him before he falls asleep at night. 

"True religion is caring for the orphans and widows in their distress" James 1:27

Prayer

I come to you asking for prayers. For someone I have never met but feel like I have known for ages. Her name is Katie. She lives in Jinja (which is just outside of Kampala) with her fourteen adopted girls. Katie is somewhat of a superstar. A missionary superstar that is, something about her draws everyone in. She fascinates many and is a beautiful face and example of love in action. Before I left for Uganda a friend of mine told me I had to check out her blog. I did and her words automatically tuned me in gripping my emotions. But it was more than just my attention she captured. Her story is impeccable. And one that I would selfishly love for myself. God has granted her with the opportunity to love and live with the people of Jinja for His divine purposes. She is a Mom of fourteen, and inspiration to me. I ask that you pray for her family has they have lost one of her sweet little girls. I can not imagine the pain.  This is her blog  kissesfromkatie, if you would like to read the whole story.  Recently she has really been on my heart and mind. As Douglas put it so wonderfully "With great suffering comes great joy." I pray that for her and her family. Pray for healing, guidance, and strength. And for the love of our Father to pour down on her and her sweet girls.

One Less

My thoughts continually drift back to those busy streets. It's estimated that there are 1.4 million people in Kampala. But when Kampala contains close to 50 slums and 25,000 people claim to live life in those places that's hard to believe and probably inaccurate. God continues to remind me of our responsibility to care for the orphan and the widow. I can not tell you just how much I have thought and prayed about that this week. I remember being in my first grade sunday school class absolutely broken for the kids just like me in situations that were hard to comprehend at the time. And are quite honestly still hard to comprehend. Most of us have never even scratched the surface of suffering. Being in that first grade class, I knew I had to go and see for myself one day. I've always loved working with those who have no hope. I've always had some fascination and deep love for them. A fascination that has never ceased. The only way I know how to explain that is to say it is God breathed. And I'm so thankful. This week has been filled with studying and lots of it!! But when I was pilled under books, I thought of someone and I'd love for you to meet him...

This is Emmanuel or Emma (that's a boy's name in Uganda.) He lights up a room as soon as he enters, automatically speaking praises to the Father and thanking God for something every other sentence. He is such a light in a world full of desperate people. Anyone from our team that met him would tell you the same. You will often see him looking out for the best interests of other people before his own. Compassionate. That's the best word to describe him. I admire so much about his character. Unfortunately we were unable to spend much time with him because he is attending a university in Kampala. YAY :). He is studying to be an engineer and will be finishing school very soon. I wanted you to meet him because so often we hear the heartbreaking, tear jerking stories of anguish and despair but never hear the success stories. Both need to be told. Although he had quite a rough history, the outcome is compelling. Graduating from a university is something to be celebrated, even more so in a country like Uganda. He is going to have a FUTURE (God willing). One that is not stuck in a cycle of poverty. That is something to be excited about!!! And every time I think of that my heart rejoices with his. And I think of the lives he has the chance to impact and opportunities he has been given. He is one less that will go without an education. Which turns into one less that will go without food and one less who will not be able to provide a family. So I ask that you pray for Emma. 

Pray for his future. Pray for his exams (they start in November all over Uganda). Pray he will be able to find a job. And pray for his family so that one day he can learn to raise a family of his own. When I was there Emma and I talked a lot about Isaiah. It's one of my favorite books personally. Isaiah 26:8-9 says "Walking in the way of your laws, we wait for you; your name and renown are the desire of our hearts. My soul yearns for you in the night; in the morning my spirit longs for you. For only when you come to judge the earth will people learn what is right." Let us bow down in obedience to His word and see Him for who He really is. Let's yearn for him day and night. Searching for truth. Because our Father in Heaven is so faithful in His word. 

Hugs & Kisses

    I never really understood the meaning of " the eye is a mirror into the soul" but when you take a moment and look at these kids, it begins to make more sense. Each person I encountered in Africa had a story. Each one of US has a story. Unfortunately most of their stories involve heart break and loss, simply because of the diseases and despair that affect so many people stuck in a never ending cycle. When deciding to travel to Uganda, I went to understand. To grow. To love.  To break. To learn. 

      And I went with the intention to find answers.  

      God allowed me to go and I grew, broke, and loved like never before. But instead of coming out with answers I came back with more questions. The precious kids in this picture with the exception of a few are supposed to be in school. Each one I saw everyday peaking into the classroom with curiosity, longing, and hunger. A hunger for learning. We would pull up and the kids would come running but I couldn't help but break for them. As much as I loved spending time with them, their education is vital. Why do I take school for granted? Thousands of children each day are desperate to be in a classroom. They want to learn and become vital parts of their community. They desire a future. Most importantly they want out. Out of the slums. Out of the bondage of poverty. And out of the only life they've known. Why is it that I take school so lightly? I'm a good student, but looking back over the last twelve years, I think of the times that I could have soaked up a little bit more knowledge. Taking every opportunity to learn without complaint. And why do I go throughout my day without a thought of their circumstances? 

      I am blessed. School is a blessing. Yes, I said it. HA! I have endless opportunities because of the hard work and education given to me. So when I have a hard test or late night study sessions, I'll think of those kids. The kids who would trade anything just to be in my spot. To have the same chance that I have in life. But instead, they will continue to wake up every morning while the others are off to school, just hoping that one day Mom or Dad can come up with money to send them as well. And I hate that for them. But I refuse to just hate the opportunities robbed of them. I want to help these kids. That is why OYE is in schools. To prevent this from happening to any girl because its incredibly easy for a young lady to have this opportunity and then drop out. Not because its taken for granted but because they have no other choice. 

So yes, I went with questions and returned with even more. But I also came back with some answers. (I'll save those :)  

    Yea I look like a goober when I laugh, but a sweet boy kind of captured the moment in it. I had no idea he took it! You would think that while being in the middle of the bondage of poverty and hurt I would be in a state of depression or something. Because I hurt along side the brokenhearted. But instead I find joy. Joy in the fact that they have nothing and will give everything. And despite circumstances we can not even begin to understand, they can still laugh and are content in the little things. It's infectious.  I love dreaming of the future of my girls. Yahweh has given me a beautiful adventure. One where I dream big and work hard. And He draws me in even closer. "My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts." says Yahweh. "And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher that the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9. And HE continues to humble me. Constantly reminding me of how insignificant I am and how incredible He is. I pray that through this, maybe one girl is meant to see that too. Because His ways are higher than mine. 

Chanley